stevens screwdriver story

(this story is fiction it is all made up)   It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, steven, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously worried, steven grabbed a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved screwdriver was missing!  Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, sam. steven had known sam for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were enticing ones.  sam was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... stupid. steven called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
   sam picked up to a very angry steven. sam calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually exotically sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting steven.  Why was sam trying to distract steven?  Because he had snuck out from steven's with the screwdriver only eight days prior.  It was a enticing little screwdriver... how could he resist?
   It didn't take long before steven got back to the subject at hand: his screwdriver. sam grimaced. Relunctantly, sam invited him over, assuring him they'd find the screwdriver. steven grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, sam realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the screwdriver and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if steven took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least four minutes before steven would get there.  But if he took the aston martian?  Then sam would be abundantly screwed.
   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, sam was interrupted by six clueless lions that were lured by his screwdriver. sam yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aptly reached for his dull pencil and aimlessly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the aston martian rolling up.  It was steven.

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late.  With a mighty leap, steven was out of the aston martian and went wildly jaunting toward sam's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  sam was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the screwdriver into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. sam was exasperated but at least the screwdriver was concealed.  The doorbell rang.
   'Come in,' sam sassily purred.  With a apt push, steven opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive spite-toting jerk in a homemade car,' he lied.  'It's fine,' sam assured him. steven took a seat frighteningly close to where sam had hidden the screwdriver. sam cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But steven was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, sam noticed a selfish look on steven's face. steven slowly opened his mouth to speak.
   '...What's that smell?'
   sam felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when steven asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the screwdriver right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A stupid look started to form on steven's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. steven nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before sam could react, steven randomly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The screwdriver was plainly in view.
   steven stared at sam for what what must've been four microseconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, sam groped explosively in steven's direction, clearly desperate. steven grabbed the screwdriver and bolted for the door.  It was locked. sam let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, steven,' he rebuked. sam always had been a little abrasive, so steven knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before sam did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his screwdriver tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
   sam looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from steven. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for steven. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. sam walked over to the window and looked down. steven was gone.

   Just yonder, steven was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind sam's place. steven had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral lions suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the screwdriver.  One by one they latched on to steven.  Already weakened from his injury, steven yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of lions running off with his screwdriver.
   But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored steven's screwdriver. Feeling relieved, God smote the lions for their injustice.  Then He got in His homemade car and jettisoned away with the fortitude of  1.2 billion albino cats running from a oversized pack of Indonesian devil cats. steven flipped with joy when he saw this. His screwdriver was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show,  sherlock, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet rusty razor blade'). steven was excited. And so, everyone except sam and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

How the ninjas almost stole christmas.

It was a bright frosty morning; I was sitting in my living room drinking some hot chocolate in my tardis cup when suddenly some ninjas burst through my front door and burst into my living room I was stunned as one of them flew towards me and sent a hard kick into my face, I collapsed to the floor and fell unconscious.

As I awoke to a excruciating pain, I clutched my head and looked around the room to find that my Christmas tree had been stolen, I was slightly upset but more angry than anything else, as I stared at the spot where my Christmas tree had been I noticed that a note had been left by the ninjas nothing was written on it but there was a boomerang attached with a picture of my tree and another of Japan and it was then that I knew I had to save Christmas and get revenge for my tree.

I knew I was going on a long trip so I got prepared I packed some clothes as well as my baseball bat just in case, I wrote a note to my family explaining what I was about to do and where I was about to set off as I left my house I began to head down to the dock looking around at my town and think about how important it is to save Christmas, because sometime in every man’s life they choose something that is so important they are willing to go and chase some ninjas to Japan instead of just buying another tree.

As I sat at the dock waiting for a friend who I got in touch with to come pick me up on his boat I heard a voice come from behind me, “you won’t beat ninja with bat” said the voice, I jumped and shot around to the man he looked normal enough and I recognised him instantly as would anyone...but it was impossible.

It was Mr. Miyagi even stranger he was a ghost, “uh...hi” I said, what else I could say, my day had already taken a strange turn already so I there was nothing else that could surprise me or so I thought “I teach you kung fu to beat ninja” he said softly, I was stunned I didn’t know what to think but the ghost of Mr. Miyagi was not giving me much of a choice, as the boat arrived i met up with my friend Charlie....he was a pirate with a ship and a crew and was happy to help me get my tree back from the ninjas.

As it turns out that pirates and ninjas have a rivalry that has been spanning centuries, it also turned out I was the only one who could see Mr. Miyagi, all the crew thought I was crazy talking to thin air, my training had begun I first had to clean the boat from head to toe and wax it then take the wax off, a few days later i found that cleaning and waxing helped me fight with concentration (now I am sure if this was a film there would be an amazing montage of my training but seeing as this is a story I will skip ahead ) we were in Japanese waters and i was close to saving Christmas and my tree.

As we were close to a island that one of the pirates said the ninjas train I could feel a cold chill all around us, I closed my eyes and sat next to the ghost of Mr. Miyagi we sat in silence in a meditated state “you feel that?” Miyagi asked I nodded and asked Charlie to be ready for a fight and the crew drew their swords and I got prepared, suddenly a bunch of quick ninjas burst from the water and began to attack the pirates with katana swords, and martial arts while the pirates fought back with cutlass swords and cage tactics and even worse the ninjas were winning.

I used all of my training that Mr. Miyagi had shown me I was fighting 6 ninjas at once and I was winning I was impressed I was lasting this long, my friend Charlie joined the fight with me and fought bravely until he was stabbed and decapitated by some ninjas, the ninjas fell back to the other end of the boat and brought out the boomerangs and lobbed them at us we all got hit and some of the pirates cried in pain then one of the crew produced a hand grenade and tossed it at the ninjas and they were blown up.

I jumped over the edge of the boat and swam to the island, I knew I was close to finally saving Christmas and my tree, when I got onto shore I could see a building in the middle of the island I knew that this was where I my tree had to be, it took me 3 hours to reach the building all I had was Mr. Miyagi to talk to, I didn’t know what had happened with the pirates I hopped they were ok as my mind trails off to Charlie and how I shall avenge him.

I opened the door to the old building, the building itself was old but inside I could see computers and technology that looked too high tech for 2011, the building was empty but I looked around just in case as I saw a strange looking object and button, I pressed the button and I seemed to have teleported into a strange looking space ship with strange alien beings all around me “we have an intruder!!” the alien shouted to the rest and they began to dress up as ninjas “how did he get in intruder window” I quipped  it was then I took the time to look around the room and see my tree and worked out that these aliens were the ninjas that stole my tree and killed my friend Charlie. 

I had an epic fight between the alien ninjas and their weapons but thanks to my training I was able to overpower them and their leader leaped at me with such anger in his eyes i took a grenade from my pocket that I had taken from one of the pirates and shoved it in the alien ninja leaders mouth “this is for Christmas” I said as I pushed him away and he blew up i had won the battle and saved Christmas and my tree.

After the trek home i put my tree back up and relaxed with some more hot chocolate and spent the rest of Christmas with Mr. Miyagi’s ghost and it was the best Christmas ever.