stevens screwdriver story

(this story is fiction it is all made up)   It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, steven, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously worried, steven grabbed a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved screwdriver was missing!  Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, sam. steven had known sam for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were enticing ones.  sam was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... stupid. steven called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
   sam picked up to a very angry steven. sam calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually exotically sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting steven.  Why was sam trying to distract steven?  Because he had snuck out from steven's with the screwdriver only eight days prior.  It was a enticing little screwdriver... how could he resist?
   It didn't take long before steven got back to the subject at hand: his screwdriver. sam grimaced. Relunctantly, sam invited him over, assuring him they'd find the screwdriver. steven grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, sam realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the screwdriver and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if steven took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least four minutes before steven would get there.  But if he took the aston martian?  Then sam would be abundantly screwed.
   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, sam was interrupted by six clueless lions that were lured by his screwdriver. sam yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aptly reached for his dull pencil and aimlessly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the aston martian rolling up.  It was steven.

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late.  With a mighty leap, steven was out of the aston martian and went wildly jaunting toward sam's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  sam was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the screwdriver into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. sam was exasperated but at least the screwdriver was concealed.  The doorbell rang.
   'Come in,' sam sassily purred.  With a apt push, steven opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive spite-toting jerk in a homemade car,' he lied.  'It's fine,' sam assured him. steven took a seat frighteningly close to where sam had hidden the screwdriver. sam cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But steven was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, sam noticed a selfish look on steven's face. steven slowly opened his mouth to speak.
   '...What's that smell?'
   sam felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when steven asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the screwdriver right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A stupid look started to form on steven's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. steven nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before sam could react, steven randomly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The screwdriver was plainly in view.
   steven stared at sam for what what must've been four microseconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, sam groped explosively in steven's direction, clearly desperate. steven grabbed the screwdriver and bolted for the door.  It was locked. sam let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, steven,' he rebuked. sam always had been a little abrasive, so steven knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before sam did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his screwdriver tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
   sam looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from steven. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for steven. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. sam walked over to the window and looked down. steven was gone.

   Just yonder, steven was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind sam's place. steven had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral lions suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the screwdriver.  One by one they latched on to steven.  Already weakened from his injury, steven yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of lions running off with his screwdriver.
   But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored steven's screwdriver. Feeling relieved, God smote the lions for their injustice.  Then He got in His homemade car and jettisoned away with the fortitude of  1.2 billion albino cats running from a oversized pack of Indonesian devil cats. steven flipped with joy when he saw this. His screwdriver was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show,  sherlock, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet rusty razor blade'). steven was excited. And so, everyone except sam and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.